I’m off to Iowa in the morning for a very Jewy Christmas

My degenerative eye disease

I am literally almost blind right now. WebMD made me think I had an eye disease but my doctor laughed in my face (maybe? couldn’t see his expression) when I gave him my self-diagnosis last week. In actuality, I need these special lenses put in my glasses because all of a sudden my subtle, kind of endearing cross eyes have decided to become super, not cute cross eyes. Now they overcompensate (i.e. turn in on themselves) when I look at anything, meaning I see two of everything and everything is extremely blurry because my eyes are exhausted from all the crossing they’re doing. I can only see my computer screen right now because I’m leaning the top of my Macbook against my forehead. Basically I’ve been pressing my face against everything I want to look at for the past two weeks, leaving a greasy nose print everywhere I go.

I was hoping to use this as an excuse to get some new grandma frames like these…

…but I couldn’t adequately survey any new options with the state of my vision, so I’m just getting new lenses put in my old Tina Fey frames. C’EST LA VIE.

Why my mom thought I was a 14-year-old cokehead

The Army of Freshmen: my absolute, number one favorite band for WAY too many years in high school. A friend recently messaged me, “Remember when we listened to clown car music?” Ya, that was around the same time I called myself straight edge because no one had offered to smoke me out yet. My mom was right to think I was off doing drugs much earlier than I actually was though – this music seriously sounds like when you get so high your ears start ringing. And yet, while in the midst of cleaning up my iPod, I can’t bring myself to delete their self-titled album. I might need it someday?

Bloated, cross-eyed, and swearing

I got really obsessed with trying to fill in this map of bars I go to in the Mission. Then I got bored being obsessed but I’m sure I’ll get unbored and finish it in like a year from now.

Gulrotkake Langpanne will eat your position.

I wish that the spam comments I get on this blog were actually real.

I can really relate to this last one.

Lies I’ve published on Facebook

I’m not sure why I wrote this because Bros Icing Bros (RIP) is probably one of my favorite drinking games of all time. It has the perfect proportion of gross-to-funny. Plus, drinking Smirnoff Ice makes me feel like I’m at a high school party. Remember when you were 16 and thought you could get wasted off the neck of a Smirnoff? Then you’d use being “wasted” as an excuse to say mean things to the friends you secretly hated. One time my friend and I filled up a Smirnoff Ice bottle with water and gave it to our other friend, telling her it was alcohol. She thought she got drunk off the water inside the bottle and then we made fun of her for it to the rest of our friends behind her back – “behind her back” being, of course, about three feet away, so she could hear every word. I think we all went to Del Taco afterwards and pretended like it never happened.