Archive for January, 2012

January 26, 2012

Happy cancerversary to meeee!

Awww, shit. Do you know what time it is, Left Ovary? Of course you do – when you spend your days alone in my pelvic cavity, you have nothing to do but mark the passage of time!

Let’s take a look at how we celebrated this glorious eventide in years past…

Year 1: Planned an egg-themed party (get it?!?!), but then I got strep throat and canceled it.
Year 2: My roommate and I got hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street to meet our friends at a bar for some celebratory drinks. We were airlifted to Stanford Hospital with broken skulls and hemorrhaging brains; we both almost died. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS ACTIVITY AS IT REALLY BRINGS DOWN THE MOOD.
Year 3: Was a little wary of leaving the house after the previous year’s shenanigans. Convinced myself having a near-death experience was some sort of karmic retribution for gloating about surviving cancer when so many people do not. Opted to not celebrate that year.
Year 4: Totally forgot until my mom called me a week later to wish me a “happy belated you’ve-almost-died-twice anniversary!” Hadn’t had a near-death experience that week, which further cemented my theory that not publicly celebrating your remission is good karma.
Year 5: Plan on hiding under my covers while youtubing Beyoncé videos all night.

We’ve come a long way, Lefty baby. Happy five years.

January 23, 2012

My internet is still down but it’s only the WiFi so I don’t want to kill myself as much as before.

Now I can plug an ethernet cable into my laptop and it works just fine, though I have to balance uncomfortably on my couch to keep from dropping my laptop or falling on top of the scorching hot heater. It’s a hard life, made harder by the fact that I recently discovered Instapaper and am now in the process of saving every one of my favorite articles I’ve ever found online as well as finding new things to read. So basically, 2012 will be the year of back strain and heater burns.

Of course, I’m also as busy as ever picking out things for my fantasy apartment on Pinterest (I guess I’m just really into cataloging right now). I wonder how many blowjobs I’d have to give to get Nate to agree to a pink couch.

January 17, 2012

My internet went out for 72 hours and I wanted to kill myself.

I just binged on Pinterest and feel a little better, except now I have this almost unbearable desire to call Camp Design Group in for an apartment facelift. My SF abode is a little small for a second bed though, so I will have to settle for taking things to Goodwill for now.

January 10, 2012

Terry Richardson’s Equinox campaign reimagined

When I started this blog I vowed I’d keep it free of bad juju, but oh my gawwwwwd this Terry Richardson photo campaign for the upscale gym/porn dungeon chain Equinox just kills me in a not good way. WHAT DO WAIFY MODELS WITH FRENCH BULLDOGS HAVE TO DO WITH JOINING A GYM? ARE YOU TRYING TO BODY SHAME ME INTO BREAKING MY NEW YEARS FITNESS RESOLUTIONS? IF SO, CAN I HAVE A SLICE OF THAT BEAUTIFUL CAKE IN THE “FOCUS” AD?

I dunno, Equinox is weird. My friend used to live across the street from a location in New York and you could watch these guys that looked like an Axe Body Spray commercial running on the ellipticals at all hours. It made me feel like a creepy voyeur but I think you join that gym to be gawked at constantly, so I guess no one is bothered by this but me. I wonder if these ads will boost membership numbers though. I think if I were considering joining, I’d see these ads, feel mortified and immediately opt to sweat it out with ugly people at Club One instead. (Speaking of, I ate leftover Indian food for lunch and definitely almost vomited in spin class tonight. Do not recommend.)

As such, I thought I’d do Terry and co. a favor and rewrite the ad copy in a way that better suits my fitness/life goals. Because I am important.

Perfect Your Icy Bitch Stare

Learn To Like Sex In Socks

Make Condom-less Love Without Staining White Upholstery

Figure Out How To Take Flattering Upskirt Shots

Discipline Other People’s Children Quietly And Effectively

See The Inside Of A Skull And Bones Gay Orgy

Be Better At Pet Photography

Master The Art Of Queef Control

January 7, 2012

The best pun I have ever written

January 5, 2012

If you’re trying to eat less, I recommend watching Tony Soprano eat while you eat dinner.

Of course, be mindful of how much pot you smoke before embarking on this diet. If you get too high, you’ll just end up with a ferocious baked ziti craving before the second act.

January 4, 2012

Positive affirmations in the workplace

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January 2, 2012

My boyfriend put mustard in the middle of my grilled cheese sandwich without asking.

He knows me better than I know myself.

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January 2, 2012

“Okay, I think we’re done here.”

Back from my Jewy Christmas in Iowa! The only thing I’d wish we’d done differently is eat bacon.

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