Archive for March, 2012

March 29, 2012

This is how I file site bug reports to our engineering team:

I take a screen shot of the problem page, draw on it with MS Paint, and email my work to the head of our engineering department with limited-to-zero explanation. They all love me.

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March 27, 2012

When you eat dinner with your boyfriend who works with foodsheds…

…he says things to you like, “I think it’s really funny that we’re eating fiddlehead ferns, a sustainable diet staple, with corn, a monocultural crop.”

In related news, I just took a muscle relaxer and am drinking wine out of a tumbler. And in case you’re wondering, fiddlehead ferns look really cool but taste really gross.

One more thing: my boyfriend is awesome.

March 26, 2012

“Are you getting sentimental?”

Welcome back, best friend.

March 25, 2012

Tax season makes me want to barf but it’s fine.

I owed the government basically a year’s worth of burrito and beer money, which sadly adds up to more than you’d think. Any member of the 1% living in San Francisco owes me a goddamn dinner at Gary Danko.

Not sure how/why this happened, but my emotional response to forking over so much cash was to blackout and online shop for an hour. When I came to, this is what I bought:
- Two pairs of shoes for hoofing around the city on Zappos, who just promoted me to VIP Customer status, which will be a problem.
- Used copies of A Visit From The Goon Squad and I Found This Funny from Powell’s, which I inexplicably could not find in any bookstore within a five-mile radius of my apartment.
-  A teardrop necklace from Son of a Sailor that I’ve been eyeing forever.
-  I raided Anthropologie’s sale page and forgot all what I bought, so I have who knows how many surprises coming for me next week!

These packages will hopefully add some sparkle to my approaching work week, which I anticipate will feel like a very long come down. Last week was our annual, all-company summit, where we fly in the bazillion Community Managers who work remotely all over the world. The week is panels and presentations all day and then dinner and drinks all night. The dinner and drinks lead to, of course, more drinks, which lead to my coworker passing out on my kitchen floor while we’re both wearing flapper dresses and have covered ourselves in macaroni and cheese bandaids (a.k.a., what I did Thursday). Anyway, besides taxes, it was a good week.

March 22, 2012

Published on The Hairpin!

I’m very excited to have a piece up on The Hairpin today! Click for a rundown of what it’s like for an already awkward middle schooler to fall down a hill in her back brace and then get stuck in a rain gutter!

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March 22, 2012

Word Of The Day: Moschate

moschate
MOS-keyt, adjective;
1. Having a musky smell.

Food diary, entry #84
I’m really congested after eating a bread sample at Whole Foods that was mismarked as gluten-free. The new office manager girl told me bitchface Michelle has been telling people I’m probably breathing deeply around Derek’s desk to create some sort of scent memory. Thanks, bitch, but I’m actually just trying to clear my sinuses! The fact that I am doing this while also getting whiffs of his moschate body odor is just an added bonus.

March 21, 2012

Word Of The Day: Conniption

conniption
kuh-NIP-shuhn, noun;
1. A fit of hysterical excitement or anger.

Food diary, entry #71
Today I ate: peeled grapes I pretended were bitchface Michelle’s eyeballs, nothing else. My stomach has been acting up all day. I’m afraid I ate something weird, though I think I’m just having ice cold diarrhea every time I think about the conniption fit I threw at work when I saw Derek and Michelle exchange a private look over the fax machine. The new office manager girl felt sorry for me and bought me a cookie at lunch that I couldn’t eat. I’ve run out of grapes, so I think I’m going to go rub my butt on Michelle’s keyboard while she’s in a meeting and then call it a day.

March 20, 2012

Word Of The Day: Vernal

vernal
VUR-nl, adjective;
1. Of or pertaining to spring.
2. Appearing or occurring in spring.
3. Appropriate to or suggesting spring; springlike.
4. Belonging to or characteristic of youth.

Food diary, entry #60
Welp, Derek stood me up tonight. I’m spite eating flour-dusted French fries with a sullen rage that usually only comes around during my vernal menstrual cycle.

March 19, 2012

Word Of The Day: Carp

carp
kahrp, verb;
1. To find fault or complain querulously or unreasonably.
noun;
1. A peevish complaint.

Food diary, entry #39
Derek, the love of my life, has started calling me GF at work. I know it’s in reference to my gluten allergy, but I’m pretending like it’s something more. It was my birthday last week and stupid bitchface Michelle ordered pizza for the office with wheat crust, knowing full well this would give me explosive diarrhea in the co-ed bathroom. I think she’s trying to sabotage me and Derek, but I guess I shouldn’t carp about this particular instance, since everyone knows you can’t eat in front of a guy until you’re six months into your relationship. Point: me. Nice try, bitchface!

March 16, 2012

Word Of The Day: Gasser

gasser
GAS-er, noun;
1. Something that is extraordinarily pleasing or successful, especially a very funny joke.
2. A person or thing that gasses.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Jonah!!!

This will be my last letter for a while. Your manager called the cops on me after she found me sleeping in the back of her car (gas is expensive and I thought this would be more financially responsible than trailing her all over town until she brought me to you). My therapist came over and told me I suffer from an obsessive compulsive narcissistic personality disorder. I said, “That sounds Superbad. You better Walk Hard to Get Me To The Greek on 21 Jump Street so I can pay you a giant Moneyball for my overdue therapy bills before I forget like we all did with Sarah Marshall, you 40-Year-Old Virgin who studied psychiatry because you can’t get Knocked Up for fear you won’t be Accepted by your offspring!” It was a real gasser!

Anyway, I should go – this hospital is weird about me writing letters and won’t give me pens (I’m writing to you in menstrual blood).

Until we meet again,
Amy Snodgrass

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