Posts tagged ‘number one jonah hill fan’

March 16, 2012

Word Of The Day: Gasser

gasser
GAS-er, noun;
1. Something that is extraordinarily pleasing or successful, especially a very funny joke.
2. A person or thing that gasses.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Jonah!!!

This will be my last letter for a while. Your manager called the cops on me after she found me sleeping in the back of her car (gas is expensive and I thought this would be more financially responsible than trailing her all over town until she brought me to you). My therapist came over and told me I suffer from an obsessive compulsive narcissistic personality disorder. I said, “That sounds Superbad. You better Walk Hard to Get Me To The Greek on 21 Jump Street so I can pay you a giant Moneyball for my overdue therapy bills before I forget like we all did with Sarah Marshall, you 40-Year-Old Virgin who studied psychiatry because you can’t get Knocked Up for fear you won’t be Accepted by your offspring!” It was a real gasser!

Anyway, I should go – this hospital is weird about me writing letters and won’t give me pens (I’m writing to you in menstrual blood).

Until we meet again,
Amy Snodgrass

March 15, 2012

Word Of The Day: Iniquitous

iniquitous
ih-NIK-wi-tuhs, adjective;
1. Characterized by injustice or wickedness; wicked; sinful.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

My dearest Jonah,

Last night when I was watching Superbad for the 202nd time, fantasizing about how if we were in high school together I would knit myself a sweater out of your hair to keep myself warm after a night of unadulterated passion together, I called my therapist and sobbed into her voicemail for ten minutes. She texted me this morning that I should probably be hospitalized, but I think this is an iniquitous conspiracy. She’s just a jealous old bat who will never love the way we love. I wish you’d come to one of my sessions with me so we could explain this to her together. I have them twice daily, so you shouldn’t have trouble finding one to fit your schedule.

See you soon?
Amy Snodgrass

March 14, 2012

Word Of The Day: Dowager

dowager
DOU-uh-jer, noun;
1. An elderly woman of stately dignity, especially one of elevated social position.
2. A woman who holds some title or property from her deceased husband, especially the widow of a king, duke, etc.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Hey J,

I was sitting on the hood of your Audi at that Trader Joe’s in WeHo (I had been following while you ran errands all day) and these two guys walked past me. They were deep in conversation and called Meryl Streep a “dowager.” I’m not sure what that means but I’m pretty sure it’s offensive. I don’t want you shopping in the same store as these kinds of people. Please find a different Trader Joe’s, and then tell me which one you pick so I can get there early and hide behind the hummuses.

Thank you for your kind heart and understanding,
Amy Snodgrass

March 13, 2012

Word Of The Day: Astringent

astringent
uh-STRIN-juhnt, adjective;
1. Sharply incisive; pungent.
2. Medicine/Medical. Contracting; constrictive; styptic.
3. Harshly biting; caustic: his astringent criticism.
4. Stern or severe; austere.
noun;
1. Medicine/Medical. A substance that contracts the tissues or canals of the body, thereby diminishing discharges, as of mucus or blood.
2. A cosmetic that cleans the skin and constricts the pores.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Jonah!

I’m at the dermatologist getting this astringent body cream to thwart a skin disease I picked up from sitting on that trashcan for nearly four weeks. I asked the doctor if I could just use witch hazel, because I am really into my health, but she said I need something medical-grade to stop all this puss from leaking out of my neck : (

Barnes and Nobel had me forcibly removed from their parking lot and told me that if I came back they’d shoot me on the spot, so you need to find a different bookstore! Please write back and let me know which one you choose so I can come hang out!!! You’ll do that, yes? Hello?

In sickness and in health,
Amy Snodgrass

March 12, 2012

Word Of The Day: Remit

remit
ri-MIT, verb;
1. To slacken or relax.
2. To transmit money, a check, etc., as in payment.
3. To abate for a time or at intervals, as a fever.
4. To refrain from exacting, as a payment or service.
5. To pardon or forgive a sin, offense, etc.

Jonah Hill
William Morris Endeavor Entertainment
9601 Wilshire Blvd.
3rd Floor
Beverly Hills, CA 90210

Dear Jonah,

Hey, babe! I hope this letter finds you well. I’m writing to you from on top of a trashcan outside the Barnes and Noble on Pico. Yes, the same Barnes and Noble Us Weekly photographed you at twice three weeks ago! There are no photogs here now (it’s 4am).

I hope you’ll be back to buy more books today. You didn’t stop by yesterday, or the day before that…. Jeez, how long does it take to finish one book? LOL. I bought you a cupcake from Joan’s on Third four days ago. A seagull ate half of it late last night while I was catching a few minutes of shuteye but I think it’s still good!

I wish your bodyguards would remit your manager’s orders to keep me away from you. That whole “knife fight” incident at your 21 Jump Street premiere did not go AT ALL how I had planned.

I hope you can forgive me and let me back into your life.

Yours always,
Amy Snodgrass

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