Posts tagged ‘stoned’

December 29, 2012

Published on Thought Catalog!

Talkin’ ’bout myself again. This time: anal sex! Or rather, how to not have it, because I don’t know.

I’m updating my blog from my office because the trackpad on my Macbook broke and I had a little bit of work due. My deadline was 5pm Friday, which I totally thought I was ahead of because I had no idea it was the weekend until the rest of the world was way into Saturday. I was skipping to the office like, “La la la, I’m working even though I’m still on vacation, I’m so good at my job, look at me go, give me a raise, la la la,” and then boom, jay kay, it’s actually Saturday and I missed my deadline by 18 hours. A for effort?

Anyway, I smoked a lot of pot over my Christmas break. I also didn’t check my phone, though not by choice, but because there is no cell service where my boyfriend’s folks live in Camp Meeker, which sounds like a made up place but it’s actually a town in Sonoma County that’s so small all they have is a volunteer fire station and a “welcome” banner that makes it feel like you’re going to an actual summer camp. So yes, I feel like I’ve been in Lala Land the past week and I am still not 100% sure what day it is. Writing this article for Thought Catalog is the only quasi-productive thing I did.

November 7, 2012

“As long as you buy it, you don’t have to read it.”

^^^ kinda sorta how I secretly feel sometimes shhhh

Now that the elections are over and we’re allowed to be totally self-centered on social media again, I feel comfortable posting hints as to what’s on my Christmas wish-list. Item number one: Pot Psychology’s How to Be.

THANKS, FRIENDS!

July 29, 2012

I just wanna get high with Kristen Stewart and go to Zara.

I have pretty much no opinion about Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson, except for the fact that I think it’s kind of cool/hilarious that she has the balls to cheat on one of the most desirable men in Hollywood while simultaneously shattering this Twilight image of sex, love, and purity held by misinformed tweens everywhere.

I just want to see more Kristen Stewart photo essays like this Us Weekly one dedicated on her birthday(!!!!) to her grumpiest faces (a.k.a. what she looks like always). I think all celeb spotlights should be like this, because I don’t care whose cum she’s guzzling this week, and I don’t think the media should indulge those readers who do.

Suggested Us Weekly followup photo essay: Kristen Stewart’s best lazy eyes. Suggested photo caption: “Having a wander-ful time on the red carpet.”

June 13, 2012

“I’m just crying and watching soccer.”

I wish I was cute like this kid.

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October 2, 2011

Lies I’ve published on Facebook

Whatever, I lie all the time on Facebook and you do too, so don’t judge. It’s for the best, really; if we didn’t all lie, the only updates anyone would have to read are the ones that old high school frenemy pens nonstop (“woke up to birds by my window!, brunch with the girlzzzz, bought a shower curtain with Boyfriend<3, repost if you love JESUS CHRIST, early nighty night with <3333the Boy<3333,” et al).

The lie I published on September 27, 2011 at 11:27pm:
Neat, my allergies are making me look perma stoned.

The truth: I do actually have allergies right now that are giving me really bad dry eye.

The lie: I am profoundly stoned in this photo. I had taken two Ativan, smoked a bowl, and drank two Skinny Girl Margaritas. Also, my eyes are extra watery because prior to taking pictures of myself, I was crying while youtubing dogs being reunited with their US soldier owners coming home from Iraq. I wanted to post this picture on Facebook because I hadn’t washed my hair in two days and thought it looked sexy.

I’m excited to see what other lies I can uncover once Facebook Timeline launches!

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