When I started this blog I vowed I’d keep it free of bad juju, but oh my gawwwwwd this Terry Richardson photo campaign for the upscale gym/porn dungeon chain Equinox just kills me in a not good way. WHAT DO WAIFY MODELS WITH FRENCH BULLDOGS HAVE TO DO WITH JOINING A GYM? ARE YOU TRYING TO BODY SHAME ME INTO BREAKING MY NEW YEARS FITNESS RESOLUTIONS? IF SO, CAN I HAVE A SLICE OF THAT BEAUTIFUL CAKE IN THE “FOCUS” AD?
I dunno, Equinox is weird. My friend used to live across the street from a location in New York and you could watch these guys that looked like an Axe Body Spray commercial running on the ellipticals at all hours. It made me feel like a creepy voyeur but I think you join that gym to be gawked at constantly, so I guess no one is bothered by this but me. I wonder if these ads will boost membership numbers though. I think if I were considering joining, I’d see these ads, feel mortified and immediately opt to sweat it out with ugly people at Club One instead. (Speaking of, I ate leftover Indian food for lunch and definitely almost vomited in spin class tonight. Do not recommend.)
As such, I thought I’d do Terry and co. a favor and rewrite the ad copy in a way that better suits my fitness/life goals. Because I am important.
Perfect Your Icy Bitch Stare
Learn To Like Sex In Socks
Make Condom-less Love Without Staining White Upholstery
Figure Out How To Take Flattering Upskirt Shots
Discipline Other People’s Children Quietly And Effectively
See The Inside Of A Skull And Bones Gay Orgy
Be Better At Pet Photography
Master The Art Of Queef Control