Archive for July, 2012

July 29, 2012

I just wanna get high with Kristen Stewart and go to Zara.

I have pretty much no opinion about Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson, except for the fact that I think it’s kind of cool/hilarious that she has the balls to cheat on one of the most desirable men in Hollywood while simultaneously shattering this Twilight image of sex, love, and purity held by misinformed tweens everywhere.

I just want to see more Kristen Stewart photo essays like this Us Weekly one dedicated on her birthday(!!!!) to her grumpiest faces (a.k.a. what she looks like always). I think all celeb spotlights should be like this, because I don’t care whose cum she’s guzzling this week, and I don’t think the media should indulge those readers who do.

Suggested Us Weekly followup photo essay: Kristen Stewart’s best lazy eyes. Suggested photo caption: “Having a wander-ful time on the red carpet.”

July 27, 2012

Real Actors Read Yelp Reviews

Why yes, I am spending my work day on Youtube. What of it?

July 27, 2012

“I’m actually creating a painting.”

I’m actually jealous because I have no style.

July 25, 2012

When it doubt, just use a picture of a cat.

I was promoted to Yelp Senior Editor a couple of weeks ago, in part because I’m good at giving creative direction:

If you’re curious, this is the cat Eve ended up using. Flickr Creative Commons does not have any good Sherlock animals for some reason. I mean, he looks like he could give you the 4-1-1 on something…?

July 24, 2012

“I googled, ‘Can dolphins and humans have a baby?'”

Quoted: my boss, during an intense team discussion about dolphin rape.

Wiki’s answer: “Not together, stupid.”

The more you know!

July 23, 2012


July 18, 2012

Celiac disease is so popular even Sudafed wants in.

July 10, 2012

A woman with a Stockton area code has been texting me love notes in Spanish…

…followed by a series of full body shots taken in what looks to be a public restroom. My friend’s Spanish boyfriend decoded the messages for me:

“pero dalacasualidad ketodabia notekiero y amor delejos es amor dependejos”
But coincidentally I still don’t love you and long distance relationships are foolish.

“no porke boi andar ocupada”
Why would I be busy?

Fascinating, and while I still don’t know what it all means or why she’s contacting me, I really hope it means I’m somebody’s standard fake number!

July 8, 2012

List of things I’m not very good at: camping

Nate’s family has an annual camping trip I’ve been tagging along to for the past few years. It’s really fun; we eat well, drink wine all night and do blown up, NYT crosswords together in the morning while drinking campfire coffee that’s chewy with grounds. I say I’m bad at it because this year I neglected to take a single picture, spent a good portion of the trip hiding with my laptop to write, and have a horrible sunburn on the right side of my body from the car ride home. But, I don’t have to be really good at it because Nate is good enough at it for the both of us (he knows how to put up the tent, make really tasty scrambles over a fire, and all the other important stuff).

July 2, 2012

Favorite pastime: bugging the shit out of Eve.

I really need someone to bring me some Doritos though.

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