Age 6: I’d look like my grandma. (Any number over 20 seemed so big.)
Age 11: Olympic gold medalist swimmer in the 100m butterfly, and maybe the 200m butterfly if I worked really hard.
Age 14: Standford graduate with a hot business major boyfriend and huge boobs.
Age 15: Musical prodigy discovered singing at an open mic night inside a cafe at NYU. With huge boobs.
Age 16: Orthopedic surgeon whose huge boobs never got in the way of saving lives.
Age 18: Television writer with big jokes and even bigger boobs. (My high school drama teacher told me I shouldn’t count on this ever happening.)
Age 20: Still a television writer, but slightly less obsessed about boob size.
Age 21: Grad school.
Age 22: Not in grad school.
Where I actually found myself at 23: Living in San Francisco and cold all the time. Sleeping with a hot (though not a business major) boyfriend despite the fact that my boobs are not as big as I’d wished them earlier in life. Also actually making a living writing jokes, so suck my beautiful tits, former high school drama teacher.