Dear Rush Limbaugh,
I have some questions regarding your statements directed towards Sandra Fluke. According to you, sexually active women who wish their birth control to be paid for are “sluts” and “prostitutes.” By your definition, I am 100% DEFINITELY a super slutty slut prostitute whore. I would never wanna hold an aspirin between my knees, ya know what I’m sayin’? Since I guess that makes me a prostitute, I think it’s high time I start getting paid! But first, I’d like to ask you a few clarifying questions:
– I originally got on birth control when I was 13 because my avid athleticism messed with my period. But, I didn’t lose my virginity (or do anything sexual, for that matter) until I was 18. Should I be compensated for those five years where I was an implied slut because I was taking a slut pill?
– When I did start having slut sex, I lied about being on the pill so boys wouldn’t argue about wearing condoms. Will I be penalized for lying about the degree of my sluttiness, or rather, should I be paid extra for using two forms of slut control?
– In college, I was raped by an acquaintance, and I thanked God that I was on the pill because it meant, on top of everything else, that I didn’t have to deal with a pregnancy scare. I feel like being forced into compromising slut positions would earn me a mini bonus, but I was wondering your thoughts on this?
– Later in college, I got ovarian cancer. While I wasn’t quite feeling up to slutting by my usual degree, I did stay on the pill to regulate my hormones through chemo. Concurrently, my doctor recommended I stay on birth control for the rest of my life to lessen the chances I lose my remaining ovary. My question: Having one less ovary won’t affect my payday, right? I’m just as fertile as I was before, and my boyfriend can attest I’m just as slutty!
– Speaking of, I spread my legs for my boyfriend, like, ALL the time. Constantly. In every room of our apartment. We’ve even done it in public places before… hehe! And Rush, I hope you won’t judge me for this, but I really like it and I don’t plan on stopping!!! As such, will you be sending me a check for these gratuitous displays of slut by mail or by PayPal? See, my boyfriend makes it abundantly clear on a daily basis that it’s a privilege to have sex with me. I inferred from your sex tips that a monetary representation of his gratitude is in order. Orgasms are great, but they don’t pay the bills, ya dig?
Thanks for all your help, Rush. Hope to hear from you soon!
Rebecca Pederson, slut
Rebecca Pederson 